trustno1

What I learned this week, 29 jun 08

The circles are closing

So this week was fun starting since last Saturday, when my sis and I went to the Harold Lloyd film festival (silent movies, but I’ll go into that in a different journal) and on Sunday I went to see my teenage crushes with my cousin (kitten was never into them… her loss) so this just left my heart and mind feeling good. It’s like my head cleared up and I can finally get to what needs to be done, take care of my pending commitments so when the time to move on from this job comes I won’t have any regrets.

It doesn’t matter what everyone says when I leave, just what I think and how I feel when this chapter closes, and most of all, what I learn from it.

I know now that I need a bigger change than just the company, and everything is pointing toward a career change, so that’s really exciting.

My therapist recommended I start investigating what I will need (like a certification or something) so I’m prepared when it happens.

This is exciting and scary ‘cause I really feel like I’m going back to my roots, my genuine self.

We all have to make this trip and find out who we really are, some change completely and find their true selves, others we change and in that change find a balance between the old and the new.

It’s a scary often painful trip, but the truth is if you make it with conviction and try to stay open… it’s worth it.

What I learned this week, 22 jun 08

Life’s not all that serious

This weekend was silly fun, and I loved the feeling, but most of all I realized how much I miss this feeling of letting go and just laughing outloud.

Eventhough I’ve known I’m not happy and been trying to make changes in my life for a while now, somehow I hadn’t realized how tightly wound I really was and most of all how withdrawn I’d gotten. The truth is I’ve never been a social butterfly and I’m tottaly aware and comfortable with that fact but still, in my own little world I’d have fun, recently… not so much.

I mean… I know I’m on the verge of closing a circle, I have a ritual to do so I can close the door to my past lovelife and be able to look for something new and healthy and I have a decision to make labor wise, ‘cause I don’t want to keep working and feeling like I’m not contributing to this earth so in a way I’m doing my own little ritual for that.

I’ve also been thinking bout leaving this city, I’m really growing tired of the grind and how backwards people are here (I’m missing the hippie California lifestyle). But with this I still have some hope.

What I have to do is find my nitche, mostly a job where I am around people with whom I share similar values and points of view ‘cause I really think this is what eventually gets to me and why I always leave, so I guess going after the financial security isn’t what I need and it’s more about the emotial security and feeling like I am understood and that I belong.

I miss being a hippie

What I learned this week, 15 jun 08

Nothing’s for ever… Thank God

So last week my therapist said I should write a letter, burn it and use it as soil to plant something, the symbolism being that it would help something new and beautiful grow. The idea is beautiful, makes sense and I don’t feel apprehensive at all about doing it… but I haven’t been to busy but the truth is that eventhough I like the idea I know I need time to do it, it’s not like I can write the letter one day and 2, 3 days later burn it and then after a few more days do the plant thing… it needs to be a complete ritual and between time and energy I’m busy and maybe not as there as I would want… but one thing’s definite, I’m moving on and I need to know what my next move is going to be, I really like training but at least ‘til now I haven’t been able to figure out how to do it without being in the corporate world… or maybe what I don’t like is being in an authority position, maybe… but nah,

Or maybe if I did some volunteer work it would help, the thing is I’ve always wanted my life to matter and right now it doesn’t feel that way (by matter I mean transcend and do good), even though I do the cyber-activism duties and eventhough my principles are still the same, I feel like I’m not moving forward and that hurts my heart.

What I learned this week, 1 jun 08

Didn’t write it this Sunday, but here it goes.

I learned that I handle my job related “interactions” way different than my personal ones.

For some reason at work it’s easier for me to just move on and/or express my feelings but when it comes to my personal stuff it’s just another story and I know why…

When it comes to putting myself out there and letting others get to know me and even more get judged by others is just to damn much, I’ve always identified and felt more comfortable in my non-conformists role. In school it was easy, we grouped in cliques and after jr. high I hung around with the outcasts. Had a grand time, don’t get me wrong, but then the scene became the job… and it got hard.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m still having doubts about staying in my field, and not so much the field but the corporate scene, there has got to be someway I can do this but with a bigger purpose in mind than getting money and power, be it for me or the place I’m at.

Work shouldn’t be this hard and also this consuming I’m just waking up to my life and I want to live it, travel, go out on the town, vegg at home, do crafts, do BNmissions, and fall in love with music all over again.

I get the (not meant in an abusive or degrading way) “your crazy” or “your so weird” thing a lot mostly from friends, the family just laughs or gives me the look. Some call me sarcastic ( me for one), but that’s not all that makes me ME.

The thing is that by age 8 I was exposed to what I know deem as weird stuff, specially visual mening TV and/or movies, this some of it

Jason and the Argonauts, I think I was 7

Savage Planet – I was 7 or 8 when I saw this and just couldn’t get this images out of my head til their showed it here in Mexico City about 4 years ago, so I dragged my sister along and two friends, by the end one of them turned to me and said “they took you to watch this when you where a child!”

Planet of the Apes

Dinosaur movies …. I was obsessed with the XXX

La princesa caballero – Princes Knight (and they ask why I am in a stride to be independent and have a feminist point of view),

Tim Rabbit, this alone defines my phobia over animals wearing clothes (but just animals that look real, could never be scared of the muppets or Mickey). I was about 9 when my mom took me to see this, we’d just come back from living in London and I guess she thought it would be nice to see the gardens (cause in truth I never liked the stories, no offense to anyone) but it just freaked me out! Animals that looked like people… in clothing… it’s a wonder I could have pets!

That’s all, got the point?