trustno1

Learning is hard work when somebody else is dictating the homework

I’m happy ‘cause life is becoming “less heavy” for me and how the goal is to keep it up, and I know I can!

But still, I know that what’s left is going to be very dense (it’s all that I’ve been carrying with me for most of  my life and that I never ever talk about, I can feel my jaw tensing as I write).

So I know that my current job is not what I want, ‘cause it doesn’t match with me and my principles and every week some kind of information or remark comes up that just solidifies the way I feel right now.

And I’m ok with this now, I understand and accept this, I wanted this to be my job ‘til it was time to retire but stuff happens and plans change. But now, with all I am living (going thru) I need to make my next move in a more planned manner. Before, when I changed jobs it’s always been among the same lines just a different company that is it’s always been corporate, office work. Some might even call it pencil pushing (I am).

But at the end of it all I always have problems with “the system”, I hate it that it’s all about the money in some way or another.

I want to do something that either contributes or at least doesn’t end up making me feel fake. And then my therapist leaves me homework: try and figure out why it is you are living this…

That’s easy! I thought, and started to go on about it being about learning from it and to stop repeating patterns and… NOPE, she didn’t buy it, I still have homework, guess that means I have to go deeper and really know what it is I should be learning…

It looks like the journal for next week is gonna be a long one…  =)

Well, fortunately something stuck from last weekend’s therapy session ‘cause she threw a doosy this time and that is what I learned this week.

The week was mainly drama free and now I realize (and/or acknowledge) that I’m having a hard time because I’m doing HR stuff without being part of the HR department in the company, I don’t report to them, I am not their staff and well, when you are not a part of them, authorized by them or whatever, well it’s just to hard to get the information or input I “expect” or “need” to feel like I’m doing my job.

So I’m talking about this in therapy, just feeling normal, no biggie and all of a sudden she just starts relating this to my personal life and I go “what the hell, we where being normal and non-drama!

I got angry… which is completely stupid ‘cause that’s why I’m going and it’s scary; I realized it right then and there and it was still hard but at least we got something and it’s how we moved around so much when I was young and being naturally oversensitive it just affected me and my relationship skill more than I had realized.

Friends didn’t last very long and trust was hard ‘cause someone always ended up telling well that just made me feel like a laughing stock.

Mentally I know this happened to practically everybody when growing up, but emotionally I haven’t gotten passed it.

When I moved to Mexico City I felt like the foreigner, I had an accent and talked more in spanglish than Spanish… and the truth is mentally I’m foreign when you realize how backwards they are here) so that was hard and severely limited my possibilities for relationships and friends.

When I first joined the company I am at right now I had really high expectations, it seemed like a really open-minded place, there are a lot of people from up-north which made it feel like home, but little by little reality set in and well, I don’t like reality and evermore when it makes me feel like an outcast again and more now that I’m the only weirdo (in high school and college I had a clique now it’s just me). And the I got this from a friend:

“Never explain yourself to anyone, because who likes you doesn’t need it and who dislikes you won’t believe it.

Don’t let someone become a priority in your life when you are just an option in their life…

Relationships work best when balanced.

When we wake up in the morning, we have two simple choices, go back to sleep and dream or wake up and chase these dreams, choice is yours…

We make them cry who care for us, we cry for those who never care for us and we care for those who will never cry for us.

This is the truth of life… it’s strange but true. Once you realize this, it’s never to late to change.

Don’t make promises when you are in joy. Don’t reply when you are sad. Don’t make decisions when you are angry. Think twice, act wise.

Time is like a river, you cannot touch the same water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again.

Enjoy every moment of life…

When you keep saying you are busy, then you are never free.

When you keep saying you have no time, then you will never have time.

When you keep saying you will do it tomorrow, then your tomorrow will never come.

And that’s when I got it:

I have to stop mourning my past

Life happened back then

And it should happen now, on it’s own

Without the overtones from yesterday

I’m beginning to know who I am, why simple things are hard but also…

Why it should be, learning to let go, and new ways to breathe.

Ok, so it’s Sunday night and there’s no light. I decided to write this weeks journal directly on to my laptop (I always do it by hand first), so here it goes:

What I learned this week

Change takes (and is) a lot of work, and what you change isn’t always what you first thought of changing.

For some weeks now I was fine and happy thinking that finally I had stopped whinnying about life, and that I was doing like Buda not letting things affect me in a personal level and not being part of the problem.

Well, I am not going to say that this concept is totally wrong ‘cause it’s not, but it isn’t as easy as I thought. Just because I got it fast does not mean it sticks, you have to make it stick and that is hard work!

I have come to accept that my job is not as fulfilling as I had once hoped, and after trying to make an impact with no real success (here I have to explain that the impact I am trying to make is to create more synergy, team work and real leadership within the department I work for, but now I see that this is not a priority for the big cheeses so I am really working against their objectives) I am now at a cross-roads as to what to do.

I first chose this career because I wanted to make an impact, I love creating and also teaching and the premise of being able to teach and grow your staff from within is something I believe in, but it does not seem to be what companies want (at least not any I have worked for). And a lack of competitive want has just come to hinder me also, because when I realize I want to win, I just don’t know how to compete and make myself heard, I either turn into a big crybaby or an aggressive $@%&, (really it’s not pretty). And the truth is I hurt myself, I loose sleep, I get jittery, anxious and either stop eating or over-eat.

Yesterday I went to therapy and just went on about my lousy two weeks, them my therapist pointed out I was going after the whole system, not just my bosses of the company, but the whole system in general. I kinda knew that but hadn’t acknowledged it. Then she asked if I thought that by being disappointed or bothered by this I thought things would change, or by all of us feeling this way things would change. Of course I don’t think that! But duh, then why the hell use up to much of my time and energy on feeling crappy?

Stupid right?!?

Especially if everybody else is going about their job in order not to be one of the cast-offs when the time comes.

Nobody expects me to be their savior but me. But still, I can’t bear to see this happening. I can’t stand to see people in the HR department being such asses and treating all information as national secrets, what other reason is there for HR to exist if not to help managers make good personnel decisions?, how can it be that a new manager can not ask to see performance evaluations of her newly inherited staff when she is expected to decide their fate after interacting with them for little less than a month?!?

Again I see that by views and the companies are very different, and I am not going to change a company, I can only change myself, so now I am doing what I am expected only that. But it kills me, so it’s just a coping mechanism while I find an alternative.

And now I have to decide what that alternative will be, will it be in another department? Another company? Or a different career altogether? Don’t know yet, don’t want to rush it.

I am having an identity crisis (?)…

As I’ve said before; I’m in therapy and currently reading “A New Earth”, and it’s helped a lot. I now don’t take things so seriously, I can separate job from life and that is incredible because criticism is now on the event not in my life, so that is BIG.

And then, I got to chapter 9 and how to know what is your inner purpose. Obviously there is no secret formula or way to know what your purpose in life is, but what it does say is that you should be at peace with the present and live it fully, not for what happened or for a future that as much as you plan will never be exact.

I get that, but now I have to face the fact that I’m not at peace with the present, mainly in regards to work. I do not agree with what’s going on and that always affect me. I have always had this hippie-activist spirit and in some way I know this is the parents fault (I mean that sarcastically) because they live by the Hippocratic oath and no matter what they’ve kept it. This has always made it clear to me that money, power and fame don’t matter if you’re taking advantage of others.

I know it sounds high and mighty but that’s the way I have interpreted my life and have lived up to now and that is what let’s me sleep at night.

This is not a big Erin Brokovich saga, more of a downsizing, outsourcing thing but still disgusting and then you add the fact that two of the companies values are respect and communication and you realize that this just ain’t true.

I get testy when tired and stressed

And even more I question if this is what I want to do for the rest of my life.

This week I learned that I still have to learn that not everything is my responsibility and that I need things to be clear and straight.

I’m feeling anxious right now, sort of dreading going to work tomorrow, the rat race is not for me, never has been and still isn’t.

I really do need to sit down and if I’m not going to have a detailed plan I at least need to make a decision on what I will do with the rest of my life. I want to be happy, and worrying about money and competing is not part of it.

I’m just not in the mood today; I still have 2 weeks to go before therapy. Maybe that’s it, I’m afraid of three weeks with no therapy.

I do know what’s up, I’m nervous and apprehensive.

Ever since my therapist brought up the “going one step deeper” thing, I’ve been wound up, mentally I am eager to do it and leave all this pain, resentment and insecurity behind. But emotionally I am wrapped into a tightly wound up ball.

I don’t know why I am resisting it; it’s been years since we’ve had any contact more than the small talk e-mail which in reality was for my last bday.

Yes I’m still bitter and that’s precisely why I need to start this part of my therapy and this is precisely why I am afraid. I’ve spent years building this shell and getting used to being alone and refining my lone wolf reputation… and now someone says I should break it down!

Scary and even scarier when you factor in the fact that this means I won’t have an excuse for being anti-social and scared of men and scared of trusting and  being let down altogether.

Though I have to say I am handling things better, more impersonal and rational without the drama and personal pain imprint, which is great.

What I learned this week

I’m stepping up

This week I learned that even thought the insecurity is still there, it’s not winning anymore.

And I miss my family, talked to my parents, my grandma and my cousin this week and finally I seem to be getting the urge to live and be out with people.

The house is a mess but that’s not important anymore, I have to get things in order and get someone to help so I can have a life. I don’t know if I’m ready for a lot of mingling, but at least be out where others are.

Confidence and trust do a lot for me which is good and bad, what I really have to learn now is not to let it affect me so much… take it, learn from it and let it.

So I haven’t posted for a while, been writing them but not uploading.

I wrote this last week when I had the intention of uploading:

So I’ve been writing my journal but not posting. Lazy ass syndrome I guess…

After therapy this Saturday, I now think I hadn’t posted because I needed to read them again. Tx Seb =)