trustno1

Putting myself out there

The first thing is listening to myself. On Sunday I went on a field trip with the family and got mayor sick, at first I thought it was dehydration but by Monday night it was clear it wasn’t (mayor stomach infection instead, really). So Monday through Wednesday went by in a haze, Thursday I finally went to the doctor.

That same day I got a lead on a potential transfer possibility for me, and here comes the part where I learned something:

I gotta build some networking capabilities!!!

Job and personal wise

I’ve known this for a while, even before Gloria brought it up in therapy last week, but I always related it to the XGuy = lonely thing. Now I see how it can help in other aspects like selling my worth at work and getting my nerve up to flirt back J

This week I learned  how much farther I have to go.

This week started off great! I was like a well oiled machine, got my proposals done, got my presentations for next week done and looked over by a friend that has a lot of experience in the field. I was grooving!

Wednesday my work friend took me to lunch for my Bday; this was sooo uplifting, people from different areas came and it just made me feel appreciated. It was great, Thursday I got the afternoon off, blah, blah, blah.

Saturday I went to my therapy session and couldn’t hide my glee… then my therapist asks if I want to start peeling off another layer of what is my life.

I said yes and automatically a wall came up and started acting as if I was being interrogated, ( I even took one of the sofa pillows and put it infront of me! Like armour almost! (now it just seems ridiculous))

I mean I know I have to do this, and want to, but…

It’s been more or less 20 years, I never talk about my feelings and the truth is that being anti-social is much easier and hurts a hell less.

So I know I nedd to do this, and I want to, but breaking old habits, breaking my anchors…  in truth that’s crazy and I will do it but I’ve just realized how much farther I still have to go.

Revindication takes work from the inside

This week I learned how harm can be undone, and how much I rely on what others think of me. Just because one person says or thinks something it doesn’t mean everyone thinks the same.

So even though last week was good because my new boss is a boss (not a wakko) , I still felt insecure, mostly  because when he said people complained  about the department (not just about me) it was a blow to my ego and just made me sort of insecure and resentful in my everyday creative paranoid mind, I just heard EVERYONE THINKS YOU’RE RUDE AND STINK AT YOU’RE JOB.

But this week I learned how this is just as real as you let it be, and it’s not.