trustno1

That I get depressed out of nowhere (nothing big just having a pity party right now), and at the sametime I learned that the drama in my life is just that which I will allow in other words, it depends on how I react to things which makes them big or not.

For instance I had two situations happen that at any other point would've caused fireworks and when they happened.. no biggy.

Today I'm tired and nervous because tommorow is like a whole new start, I have a meeting with someone who tried to take me down once and I hate confrontation... I guess I'll just stick to the task at hand... but still I'm nervous.

I've also had to admit to myself (notice didn't say I learned, I've known this for a while but it's easier to fake) that when I get insecure I run, I run like the wind... I have even changed states, but that was a long long time ago and a diffrent me altogether.

It's just that today that old insecurity and the new ways I am trying to deal with things are at conflict, over not knowing what is going to happen next week... guess I'm just overwhelmed, and after all the worst that can happen is not that mayor. I always say that the worst is death I will certainly not die from whatever happens, so... what's the big deal!

nothing much, just a pity party

So I guess what I learned this week, is that what ever happens... it's no biggy  =)

So, I read my horoscope this morning and it said something along the lines of rest up and recover your energy and your inner child, you’ll need it in order to get ready for your emancipation.

Emancipate – 1 free from restraint, esp. legal, social or political.

Emancipation indeed!

Finally a light at the end of the tunnel! This week my standing in boss left for her pregnancy leave-vacation time, 4 months!

And now the real work begins, without going into much detail I will just say that working with this woman was hell, she did everything on her own – usually wrong because she never asked any of the people “below her” (the ones that had the real info and experience) for assistance, help or even an opinion. This situation built up for over a year (I think almost to the day!) and of the 10 people that reported to her, 3 of us for sure where on the verge of quitting.

Well back to my story (that was just background) so this last week was her last and now we are reporting to another manager who used to report to her and yes… he knows what’s going on.

This situation had me depressed, unmotivated and completely exhausted. This woman was evil, she looked for ways to get into your head, she’d mop the floor with one of the guys that reported to her at every staff meeting. With me it was more on the grounds of making me doubt myself saying people thought I was rude, that the information I gave her was wrong, blah, blah, blah. Fortunately I have therapy so she only got me once, the other times she tried it wasn’t so bad, but still she planted seeds of doubt in my head and this culminated this Thursday when she did our performance evaluations, where once again she started telling me I was viewed as a hardass, crackwhiping supervisor, rude when tense, yadah, yadah, yadah but this time I made sure not to take it in and show emotion, not to let it affect me.

Sad really, but for now at least she’s gone and emancipation (or clearing of my rep) has begun but most of all, what I learned this week is that the words of one person shouldn’t set me in a downward spiral where I was just passing time at work, waiting for the other shoe to drop and for them to fire me, instead of just doing my professional (and human) best. I just gave in to what she said and dug myself into a hole thinking that what she said was the truth or at least a general impression.

This is not fair, to anyone and most of all it’s not real. The words of one person can only hit you if you let them and when you have other experiences that show the complete opposite! Well, I just laugh now (well smile, maybe in a week or so I will be laughing).

Now when I see how I let my head get so anxious by the words of one person who clearly has as one of her hobbies to put down those around her…

This week I learned that even if a seed is planted, it still needs other things to grow, and it’s up to me not to let them.

So I’ve been noticing a lot of stress around me for some time, at work I don’t know if I’m getting transferred, fired of staying in a position I have recently had to admit to myself I don’t like anymore.

In relationships (all be it work relationships) it´s like  you can’t say anything contradictory to people because they’ll just want to cut you down and see you as a threat because you “found” a weak spot (be it emotional or strictly job related).

This oversensitivity or survival mode we are all in, don’t know if it’s new or not but its disturbing (or at least annoying) and in my search to evolve from my troubled, scarred phase I’ve come upon a book: The New Earth (yes I’m an Oprah fan) and in it found this which I’m quoting (btw my book is in Spanish so this quote is straight from webring):

… What is an argument? Two or more persons express their opinions and those opinions differ. Each person is so identified with the thoughts that make up their opinion, that those thoughts harden into mental positions which are invested with a sense of self. In other words: Identity and thought merge. Once this has happened, when I defend my opinions (thoughts), I feel and act as if I were defending my very self. Unconsciously, I feel and act as if I were fighting for survival and so my emotions will reflect this unconscious belief. They become turbulent. I am upset, angry, defensive, or aggressive. I need to win at all cost lest I become annihilated. …

And this made me understand how it is up to each one of us to really just not let this drama get to us and make it bigger than it is and how even though words scar for life it is up to each one of us to let them.

SO DON´T