trustno1

Learning is hard work when somebody else is dictating the homework

I’m happy ‘cause life is becoming “less heavy” for me and how the goal is to keep it up, and I know I can!

But still, I know that what’s left is going to be very dense (it’s all that I’ve been carrying with me for most of  my life and that I never ever talk about, I can feel my jaw tensing as I write).

So I know that my current job is not what I want, ‘cause it doesn’t match with me and my principles and every week some kind of information or remark comes up that just solidifies the way I feel right now.

And I’m ok with this now, I understand and accept this, I wanted this to be my job ‘til it was time to retire but stuff happens and plans change. But now, with all I am living (going thru) I need to make my next move in a more planned manner. Before, when I changed jobs it’s always been among the same lines just a different company that is it’s always been corporate, office work. Some might even call it pencil pushing (I am).

But at the end of it all I always have problems with “the system”, I hate it that it’s all about the money in some way or another.

I want to do something that either contributes or at least doesn’t end up making me feel fake. And then my therapist leaves me homework: try and figure out why it is you are living this…

That’s easy! I thought, and started to go on about it being about learning from it and to stop repeating patterns and… NOPE, she didn’t buy it, I still have homework, guess that means I have to go deeper and really know what it is I should be learning…

It looks like the journal for next week is gonna be a long one…  =)