trustno1

Ok, so it’s Sunday night and there’s no light. I decided to write this weeks journal directly on to my laptop (I always do it by hand first), so here it goes:

What I learned this week

Change takes (and is) a lot of work, and what you change isn’t always what you first thought of changing.

For some weeks now I was fine and happy thinking that finally I had stopped whinnying about life, and that I was doing like Buda not letting things affect me in a personal level and not being part of the problem.

Well, I am not going to say that this concept is totally wrong ‘cause it’s not, but it isn’t as easy as I thought. Just because I got it fast does not mean it sticks, you have to make it stick and that is hard work!

I have come to accept that my job is not as fulfilling as I had once hoped, and after trying to make an impact with no real success (here I have to explain that the impact I am trying to make is to create more synergy, team work and real leadership within the department I work for, but now I see that this is not a priority for the big cheeses so I am really working against their objectives) I am now at a cross-roads as to what to do.

I first chose this career because I wanted to make an impact, I love creating and also teaching and the premise of being able to teach and grow your staff from within is something I believe in, but it does not seem to be what companies want (at least not any I have worked for). And a lack of competitive want has just come to hinder me also, because when I realize I want to win, I just don’t know how to compete and make myself heard, I either turn into a big crybaby or an aggressive $@%&, (really it’s not pretty). And the truth is I hurt myself, I loose sleep, I get jittery, anxious and either stop eating or over-eat.

Yesterday I went to therapy and just went on about my lousy two weeks, them my therapist pointed out I was going after the whole system, not just my bosses of the company, but the whole system in general. I kinda knew that but hadn’t acknowledged it. Then she asked if I thought that by being disappointed or bothered by this I thought things would change, or by all of us feeling this way things would change. Of course I don’t think that! But duh, then why the hell use up to much of my time and energy on feeling crappy?

Stupid right?!?

Especially if everybody else is going about their job in order not to be one of the cast-offs when the time comes.

Nobody expects me to be their savior but me. But still, I can’t bear to see this happening. I can’t stand to see people in the HR department being such asses and treating all information as national secrets, what other reason is there for HR to exist if not to help managers make good personnel decisions?, how can it be that a new manager can not ask to see performance evaluations of her newly inherited staff when she is expected to decide their fate after interacting with them for little less than a month?!?

Again I see that by views and the companies are very different, and I am not going to change a company, I can only change myself, so now I am doing what I am expected only that. But it kills me, so it’s just a coping mechanism while I find an alternative.

And now I have to decide what that alternative will be, will it be in another department? Another company? Or a different career altogether? Don’t know yet, don’t want to rush it.