trustno1

I get testy when tired and stressed

And even more I question if this is what I want to do for the rest of my life.

This week I learned that I still have to learn that not everything is my responsibility and that I need things to be clear and straight.

I’m feeling anxious right now, sort of dreading going to work tomorrow, the rat race is not for me, never has been and still isn’t.

I really do need to sit down and if I’m not going to have a detailed plan I at least need to make a decision on what I will do with the rest of my life. I want to be happy, and worrying about money and competing is not part of it.

I’m just not in the mood today; I still have 2 weeks to go before therapy. Maybe that’s it, I’m afraid of three weeks with no therapy.

I do know what’s up, I’m nervous and apprehensive.

Ever since my therapist brought up the “going one step deeper” thing, I’ve been wound up, mentally I am eager to do it and leave all this pain, resentment and insecurity behind. But emotionally I am wrapped into a tightly wound up ball.

I don’t know why I am resisting it; it’s been years since we’ve had any contact more than the small talk e-mail which in reality was for my last bday.

Yes I’m still bitter and that’s precisely why I need to start this part of my therapy and this is precisely why I am afraid. I’ve spent years building this shell and getting used to being alone and refining my lone wolf reputation… and now someone says I should break it down!

Scary and even scarier when you factor in the fact that this means I won’t have an excuse for being anti-social and scared of men and scared of trusting and  being let down altogether.

Though I have to say I am handling things better, more impersonal and rational without the drama and personal pain imprint, which is great.